Dear Erza
by Aeria Swordlancer
Summary: Seven Years. Seven letters. Jellal's special birthday gifts to Erza as he pours his heart out on seven pieces of parchment.


**A/N: Jerza fever + crazy shipper heart + plot bunnies = This story.**

**Remember folks, this story will have only seven chapters, each depicting a letter that Jellal writes to Erza on her birthday. Here, you a get a sneak-peek into Jelly's heart as he lets it all out; the jail break, Crime Sorciere, his views on a past that cannot be erased, his relationship with Ultear and Meredy. Everything that he can talk about during those seven years that Erza isn't with him.**

**Disclaimer: Fairy Tail and its characters belong to Hiro Mashima**

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**CHAPTER ONE**

**X785**

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**IIIIIIIIII...IIIIIIIIII~OOOoooOOO~IIIIIIIIII...IIIIIIIIII**

_X785_

_Dear Erza,_

_Happy Birthday._

_It's been a year since the world told me you disappeared for good. I don't believe that, so I refuse to acknowledge your absence and write you this letter, for you've always been and will always be, by my side._

_As I write this letter to you, I find it important to state that I'm not surrounded by the four walls that have held me for a year past. I don't know if this is right or wrong; I didn't know it back then, I don't know it right now. The opportunity, as any spectator would have called it, came to me so suddenly, that I did not have the time to sit and make moral judgements. It had been a week since my memories had returned, and the sudden appearance of a former associate from the_ _distant_ _past __had me wondering about the unpredictability of life._

_Yes, my memories are back. _

_I don't know what I'm to say about this Erza. It feels like whatever words I would attempt to use to explain this…predicament would be of absolutely no worth, no significance, whatsoever. This is how it's all supposed to be, after all. My actions, my fatal blunders and my disease seem to be of an entirely different level - a level that cannot be discerned and described merely through words. Even if I were to sit for a couple of hours and think about the best way to explain what exactly I feel as I attempt to remember all of what had happened in the tower under my surveillance, I would not move beyond an empty sheet and a quill, ready to be scratched across a blank surface. Even as I write this letter to you, the burden of that guilt - for lack of better expressions - forces me to halt ever so often, before finding the courage to write to you._

_But, I have to speak up. Silence is not an answer to any question, and my actions demand explanations, not muteness._

_That day, when I saw her coming towards me through the haze of smoke created by the rumbustious actions of a young lady who was to become my comrade soon, I refused to believe my eyes. A whirlwind of emotions and memories left me paralysed on the floor as she walked towards me with hesitation in her steps, a hand held out in a gentle gesture. I had no intentions of grabbing that hand; I had made it very clear to myself that I would not push my luck further, or try to play with a destiny that I had accepted the moment I had been given the judgement befitting my actions. This had nothing to do with the woman and what she'd been responsible for all those years back in the tower. No, not at all. It had more to do with a certain notion of redemption that I had underlined for myself, and that I had been determined to follow for the rest of my life - if I were to live, that is. Yet, there was something about the way she walked, the way she looked at me, and the words that she whispered into my ears, that made me forget all about the precarious condition I was in and grab that hand immediately._

_I still remember those words clearly, as if they are being whispered into my ears every second. I will write those words exactly as they were uttered on that fateful day. _

I won't ask you to give me a chance. But, will you give yourself one?

_Till today, I regard these words as a prophetic message that was to give my life, a new direction._

_The woman who had risked her everything to get me out of the prison; the one who had asked me to give myself a chance was none other than Ultear Milkovich, my former associate who has also been a victim of the Dark during the crucial years of her life. She looked guilty, although for what reason, I still don't understand. A sin that a person commits in his life has to be borne by himself, and there is no way that burden can be transferred to some other soul. We are all responsible for our own actions - whether committed in the right frame of mind or under external influences - and it is through actions alone that we can repent for any wrong-doings. Therefore, I refuse to play this blame-game and state unflinchingly that I shall alone bear responsibility for my actions._

_She had been accompanied by another girl; a young, gentle soul, whose eyes seemed to show wisdom beyond her years. She called herself Meredy, a very joyful name indeed, and gave me a smile that I will never forget for the rest of my life. The very positivity that it seemed to exude, appeared to have eroded my doubts and filled my heart with a sense of completeness that had been absent since the time we had spent together at the tower. She made me believe in the power of childhood innocence and positivity. Even if I were to turn my back on the two women and walk right back into the old path of redemption, how could I have dismissed and unacknowledged, the gentle power which seemed to have been my only hope when we had been together?_

_Sorry if I hark back to a past that you might not want to remember, Erza. It may have sweet memories that are pleasant to remember, but within it nestles the darkness that neither I, nor you can ever forget or forgive._

_But, for a foolish, disillusioned man such as I, a past that seems to hold some amount of sunlight is nothing short of a new lease; a glorious chapter that makes me believe, even down to the point one per cent, that I too have something to be proud of._

_Irony much?_

_I have no hesitation in stating that this pride comes as a result of that little relationship you had shared with me; a relationship that was like a boon in the despondency of the tower. Had it not been for you and your pure, innocent smile, I would have succumbed to the darkness much before I actually did. For that little amount of belonging I feel, and that little speck of purposefulness that gives me a powerful drive to do the right things in life, I thank you, Erza Scarlet._

_When Ultear told me all about the incident at Tenroujima, I couldn't think straight for almost a week. It all seemed ridiculously outrageous to me. I hadn't believed it back then. I don't believe it now. It's funny how I could feel your presence all the time, back when I was in jail. There was a point where I could feel like you had taken a serious blow and were lying at the brink of defeat. I couldn't handle that empty feeling, and I found myself urging you forward with all the strength that I could muster. Soon enough, I felt the sweet taste of triumph coursing through my veins and I knew you were back on your feet, claiming a victory that had rightfully been yours. That day, when I had urged you forward and felt your pain, I had come to know about a very important aspect of our relationship. There is a strong bond, somewhere, that connects your feelings to mine. I can feel your happiness and your dejection, Erza. That is why I refuse to believe that you have disappeared for good, as the newspapers put it. The connection has not withered in the least. It's here in my heart, intact and healthy, indicating that you are out there somewhere, waiting for the right moment to come out. Therefore, I will wait for you, even if you were to take an eternity to come back._

_A few months after the Tenroujima incident, something strange happened to the three of us (us being - my new ragtag team consisting of myself, Ultear and Meredy). We were still on the run from the council and we had finally decided to take respite near a village in the outskirts of Oshibana. That area had been plagued by the actions of a dark guild operating from somewhere in the mountains, and we did what we thought was right. The guild was not a powerful dark guild; it consisted of a motley group of mages who had been evicted from the existing alliance system and were seeking revenge for this move made by the council. It took us two days to track their location and destroy them completely before they had the chance to do any more harm. I recollect this incident, not to make myself sound heroic or gallant. After all, any mage who claims to have a little amount of humanity in him would have taken the same step. I mention this incident as a precedent to another major event that happened a day after, changing the course of my life forever. It had been months after the jail break and I had still not decided about what I was going to do with my life. After we had managed to defeat the guild and rescue the villagers, a little girl had come up to me and said that I had given her the chance to play in her village grounds without having any kind of fear in her heart. She told me that I had given her freedom._

_Freedom. _

_A word that is an essential part of every individual's life, but controversial for us, is it not? Freedom can mean a thousand things to a thousand different people. It is a word that has captivated the minds of so many philosophers in the past, that it has built a world of its own; a mystical and enchanting dimension that lures those who seemed to have never truly understood its meaning. Yes Erza. Freedom is attractive to only those who have never appreciated its true worth. For people with incomplete relationships and desires that can never be fulfilled, freedom is the ideal that they devote their lives to, often sacrificing what little they have as 'givens' by their side. Now that I sit and think about this predicament, it pains my heart to see how people (myself included) seem to completely overlook this 'given' and lunge forward towards a utopia that can only exist in the world of dreams. This human folly, as I can call it safely, is the root cause of all evil and misery in this world. If we learn to appreciate the 'given' in our lives, and enjoy its company till the time we have it, nobody will ever be consumed by darkness again. It is this desire to leave what is his, and run after something that does not belong to him, that makes a man forget about the essentials of humanity. However, once an individual understands the worth of these 'givens' in his life, he achieves true freedom._

_And, as I sit here and think about the time when you were with me, I realise that I always had _my_ true freedom by my side._

_We were having dinner around a small camp fire when I was suddenly enlightened by a single, simple thought. I had been staring at my meal, thinking about the little girl in the village, when I suddenly decided what I was going to do with my life. I looked up at Ultear in that instant, and she seemed to be thinking about the same thing. The feeling was mutual and that propelled me to spell out the idea that had come to my mind. _

_We were to start a guild - albeit a small, independent one - that would fight against the darkness that had once been such an essential part of our lives. We would, through that guild, rid the world of the potent hold of Zeref's legacy. That would be our only aim. Having been through a rough ride that had snatched away our innocence, we had decided to do everything in our power to stop even a single soul from succumbing to the Dark. We would destroy dark guilds and wizards so that children like that little girl, would never feel afraid of coming out in the open and enjoying their freedom. We would repent for our sins; the crimes committed by a group of mages who had chased a non-existent reality for years._

_The witch's sin._

_Crime Sorciere._

_It was Meredy who had come up with that name. She had been thrilled about the new project. Her eyes had been glimmering with hope when she had said that name aloud, and I would have been deaf had I not heard the note of reverence in her tone. She had found a reason to live. Ultear had found a reason to live. I had found a reason to live._

_Discarding our meals at once, we brought our hands together in a reflex and looked into each other's eyes. We were making a silent pledge; a promise befitting our situation as three disillusioned mages, treading the path of redemption. We didn't say it aloud, but we knew what the other was thinking. Having been a part of a past that was pretty much the same for the three of us, we could be confident in our ability to understand each other's emotions. In that simple act of holding hands over the fire, we envisaged an unbreakable bond that was driven by the motive of repentance and redemption. We did not utter a word about it, but each of us around the campfire knew that we were to step into a life that had nothing but punishment as its motive; the punishment of never associating ourselves with the people who walked in the light, yet, working ardently towards protecting the said people. It may sound strange; individuals who had been consumed by the dark, trying to protect the ones who are untouched by such evilness. No matter how absurd this may seem at first blush, this is what we had committed ourselves to, and this is what gives us the strength to live in a world that had rejected us a long time ago. Today, as I bear the mark of our guild and fight against the darkness, I realise that this very act of redemption is the other 'given' in my life. Apart from your presence in my heart, this resolution is that other element that prevents me from chasing a myth for the second time._

_It is often said that the words one utters are like the arrow that has left the bow. They cannot be brought back, no matter the amount of dedication put into that direction. For me, my actions are akin to that arrow which has been released, and I cannot do anything to undo the damage. However and whatever much I do to make things appear a bit more different, I cannot erase a past that has been stained down to the very fabric of reality. No matter how many lives I save, I cannot wash away the blood on my hands and the blotch on my soul. I cannot bring back, a life._

_I cannot bring back Simon. _

_Sometimes, I think about jumping off a cliff or stabbing myself right through the heart. I will be blatantly honest about this, Erza. I will not mince words when it comes to describing how exactly I wish for my brutal demise. However, I also know that my sudden end would be of no significant good to anybody who has ever claimed to have had an acquaintance with me. This does not mean that I can chalk out any other way to repent for this sin. Death IS the only answer. But, I shall wait for the day when you come back from your sleep and stab me yourself._

_That will complete me._

_I don't have anything to give to you on your 20th birthday, but an assurance that I will never go back to being the Jellal who brought nothing but bitter tears to your eyes. This is the least I can do for someone who has given me a reason to live._

_Thank you for supporting me despite my rather _impressive _list of sins. _

_Thank you for being the Erza that I have always loved and respected._

_Thank you for making me believe in a life that is worth living._

_Thank you for letting me be myself_.

_Forever in your debt,_

_Jellal Fernandes._

**IIIIIIIIII...IIIIIIIIII~OOOoooOOO~IIIIIIIIII...IIIIIIIIII**

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**A/N: It feels like my hair has turned blue and I have suddenly discovered a tattoo on the right side of my face. The side-effects of **_**feeling**_** too much while writing a letter from the perspective of a character that you really love. Oh Jelly! come into my arms! *sob***

**Note: The address has not been mentioned in the letter because Jellal doesn't actually 'post' these letters. He writes them. Who would he send them to anyway? Erza's not around. He writes these letters, thinking he would meet her again someday and give these to her himself.**

***cough* Reviews *cough***


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